This summer has been a tough one for migraines, particularly this July was particularly bad. As I pushed through them most days, and had to keep to bed on other days, I began formulating this list in my head. It’s a list of the things I’ve heard as a migraine sufferer, the things that are more hurtful/frustrating than helpful.

12 Things Not to Say to a Migraine Sufferer

1:: I had a bad headache… (yesterday, last year, whatever).
To be clear, a bad headache is not the same as a migraine and it is certainly not comparable to chronic migraines. Yes, your bad headache was painful for you. And yes, I am sorry you had to deal with that. But take that pain, magnify it by at least 10 and then live with it for a couple days. Don’t forget to add in sensitivity to light, sound, smell. Perhaps a little nausea as well.

2:: Just take an Advil.
This might be my biggest pet peeve. If this migraine could be cured by popping a few Advil, you better believe I’d be popping those pills like Tic-tacs. But a little Advil or Tylenol isn’t going to take away this relentless pounding behind my eyes or in the back of my skull. And no, just taking a few more isn’t really going to help either.

3:: Have you tried (any random kind of modern medicine, home remedy, voodoo doctor) that you’ve heard about.
Chances are if the person has been suffering with migraines for years, they have tried it all. To give you an idea… in the 20 years I’ve had migraines I have seen 3 neurologist, 1 headache specialist, 5 primary care doctors, 1 chiropractor, 1 wholistic doctor, 1 pain specialist, and 1 acupuncturist. I won’t begin to list the medicines I have tried and the ‘sworn by’ home remedies that people suggest.

4:: My sister (aunt, dad, second cousin once removed) used to get horrible migraines.
I empathize and sympathize with that person. But you relaying your relatives plight while I suffer through a migraine, is not going to help make this moment easier.

5:: You look fine, I’d never guess you weren’t feeling well.
When you suffer chronically from migraines you get really good at working through them, at putting on a good face. I can often power through till the end of the work day, or the end of a meeting. I might look fine because I took extra care with my makeup to hide the signs of the migraine, but that doesn’t mean anything.

6:: Can you just stick it out a little longer?
If I need to remove myself from a situation and hibernate in a dark place because of a migraine, the answer is absolutely not. I cannot stick it out a little longer. Usually by the time I need to escape, the migraine is beyond pain levels where acting normal is possible.

7:: I’d love to stay in bed all day too.
Trust me, I would too. But staying in bed because of a migraine is not staying in bed all day, relaxing, binging Netflix and sipping coffee. It’s constant pain. It’s increased pain as the sun begins to shine through the blinds. It’s increased pain as the phone starts to ring or the doorbell chimes or the neighbor’s dog barks. It’s the inability to find a comfortable place to lay your head because every position hurts and it feels like you are sleeping on a rock, or you have an icepick jamming into your head. This isn’t bed, it’s a prison.

8:: Do something to take your mind off of it.
In the early stages of a migraine that might be possible. In fact many of us keep working and focusing on other things to keep our mind off the intense pain. But once you hit a certain threshold of pain, there is nothing that will take your mind off of it. There is nothing you can say or do or read or listen to that can take your mind off the all-encompassing pain that makes your head want to explode.

9:: You should stop (drinking coffee, eating wheat, consuming sugar…)
Again, if we’ve been at this for awhile, you better believe we have tried it all. I have gone off of caffeine and have imbibed it by the gallon - it made no difference. I went Paleo - it made a slight difference for three months. I went off a list of 16 everyday foods that apparently I was allergic to - it made no difference. Yes, there are food triggers, but trust us to know them and to already have eliminated them. I never drink wine and I never eat mushrooms. Those hate my head - each and every time.

10:: Does it run in your family?
Whether it runs in my family or not, doesn’t change the fact that I am suffering in a very real way right now. And for the record, no. Neither of my parents have migraines and both of them rarely get a bad headache. Lucky ducks.

11:: It will get better when (menopause hits, you turn 40, you have your first child…)
While this might be true for me, it might not be. And even if it is, that does nothing to help the migraine I am suffering now, nor the ones I will be suffering for years to come until I hit that magical life point.

12:: You should drink more water.
While it is true that migraines can be triggered by dehydration, water isn’t going to help much in the moment when a migraine is at its zenith. It’s already taken hold of you, and no amount of water will change that. Additionally, a lot of migraine sufferers work hard to avoid dehydration. I, for instance, drink at least 100 ounces of water per day, and always mix a little gatorade powder into my first water bottle of the morning to make sure I have the electrolytes I need. It is not a water problem.

And since I like to keep things positive around here, here are some things you can say to us…

1:: I’m so sorry. I hope you get better soon.
Just knowing that someone else knows and is there, can be a huge help.

2:: What can I do?
Honestly, there might not be much you can do in the moment. But something as simple as getting a plate of Saltines and a glass of water, when the thought of walking to the kitchen is daunting, can be really appreciated. Or driving the carpool, or moving an appointment, or giving a back rub, or drawing a bath. Something that would be a small task for you to do, would be overwhelming to the person with a migraine.

3:: I’ll try to keep things as quiet as possible around here.
Everything - especially sound - is exaggerated when you have a migraine. I can hear the tiniest buzz on those days and they will make my migraine worse. Having someone who can help keep the noise down is a true Godsend.

4:: Here’s some comfort food.
This takes a conversation before the fact to know what to prepare. For instance, I LOVE pizza but bringing me a large slice of deep dish in the midst of my migraine will only make things worse. Too many smells! For me, I like bland things that won’t upset my stomach - plain crackers, slices of cheese, water, gatorade, a coke, mac and cheese or a quesadilla. There is nothing better than being brought food so that you don’t have to think about it yourself and so that you know you’re being cared for.